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Humor (off-color & otherwise)

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  • Humor (off-color & otherwise)

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over
    to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

    "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
    female horse.

    "A female horth."

    So he shows him a prized filly.

    "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

    So the rancher picks up his prospective client and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

    "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

    So the rancher picks the fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears...

    "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

    The rancher, not the most patient man anyways, is becoming a little upset by this point, but he picks this guy up
    again and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

    At this point, the rancher is incensed, so he grabs this guy under his arms and
    rams his head as far as he can up the horse's genitals, pulls him out and
    slams him on the ground.

    The fella gets up, sputtering and coughing. He manages a smile and says, "Perhapth I thould wephwase
    that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

  • #2
    Tip of the Week

    From the latest issue of "Living":

    " A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted. " -Martha Stewart


    • #3
      yuk yuk yuk! but nothing can beat that one about the severed head!!!


      • #4
        Q. How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

        A. Fifty. One on whom they can fob off the unavoidable task while the other forty nine huddle together and anguish over how many animals were killed by the habitat destruction necessary to extract the minerals required to manufacture the bulb.


        • #5
          Subject: New Emblem


          The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle
          to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political
          stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
          generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
          while you're actually being screwed.

          Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.


          • #6
            Mac1 - LMAO!! Good one!!


            • #7
              Likewise. I just e-mailed it to friends.


              • #8
                from A Prairie Home Companion

                A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on a deserted island. One day they find a brasslamp washed up on the beach. They rub it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since there's three of you, I can only give each of you one wish."

                The brunette says that she wants to go home. Poof, she's gone.

                The redhead says she wants to go home too. Poof, gone.

                The blonde thinks about it a little bit then says, "Well it's very lonely around here now, could you bring the other two girls back?"


                • #9
                  Heard this one on NPR yesterday:

                  A 75 year old man suffered a massive stroke and was recuperating in the ICU. The doctor was attempting to advise the wife of his grave prognosis. "Your husband's heart is beating, but unfortunately he has no brain activity."

                  "Damn!" replied the wife. "I don't know if the family can tolerate this! We've never had a liberal in the family before!"


                  • #10
                    Subject: Worms

                    Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the
                    experiment with the worms.

                    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

                    The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

                    The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

                    The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

                    The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

                    After one day, these were the results:

                    The first worm in alcohol - dead.

                    Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

                    Third worm in sperm - dead.

                    Fourth worm in soil - alive.

                    So the Science teacher asked the class -

                    "What can you learn from this experiment."

                    Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said

                    "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex,
                    you won't have worms."


                    • #11
                      Classic little Johnny, Mac.
                      "Devout believers are safeguarded in a high degree against the risk of certain neurotic illnesses; their acceptance of the universal neurosis spares them the task of constructing a personal one." - Sigmund Freud


                      • #12
                        This one is a tad long but is worth the effort I beleive.

                        Subject: Genesis

                        In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
                        and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
                        so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

                        Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's
                        and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
                        And man said, "Yes!" and woman said, "I'll have another with
                        sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.

                        And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the
                        figure that man found so fair.
                        And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar
                        from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2
                        to size 10.

                        So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
                        And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast
                        on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following
                        the repast.

                        God then said, "I have sent you hearty healthy vegetables and
                        olive oil in which to cook them."
                        And Satan brought forth deep fried shrimp and catfish and chicken-fried
                        steak so big it needed its own platter.

                        And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the
                        roof. God then brought forth running shoes so that his children
                        might lose those extra pounds.
                        And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man
                        would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman
                        laughed and cried before the flickering light and piled on the

                        Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
                        with potassium and good nutrition.
                        Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
                        center into chips and deep-fried them and added copious quantities
                        of salt. And man put on more pounds.

                        God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories
                        and still satisfy his appetite.
                        And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
                        Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied,
                        "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said "It is good." And man
                        went into cardiac arrest.

                        God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
                        And Satan created HMOs.


                        • #13
                          Three for one

                          The boss said, "Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at the office Christmas party you could neglect to do your work around here?
                          The secretary replied, "My lawyer did."

                          The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

                          What is forty feet long and smells like urine?
                          Line dancing at the nursing home.

                          (I'm going to h*ll for repeating that last one, I betcha )


                          • #14
                            Subject: Forest Gump

                            The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

                            Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

                            St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three


                            First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

                            Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

                            Third: What is God's first name?"

                            Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

                            Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

                            The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

                            "How many seconds in a year?"

                            "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
                            Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

                            Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ."

                            "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

                            "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

                            Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

                            "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

                            St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

                            Give me a sense of humor,

                            Give me the grace to see a joke,

                            To get some humor out of life,

                            and pass it on to other folk.


                            • #15
                              God is moping around heaven so finally Gabe says to God . "you know God your really need to go out now and then" Go out and have some fun,,

                              Gods just nods his head and tell's Gabe it's not going to happen ..

                              Gabe is still bothered as God is not happy, so now he come up with great idea..
                              "God" says Gabe
                              "I have the solution, remember last time you went to earth ? you had great time..
                              " God replies " great time??? I fooled around with some jewish girl and they still talk about it 2000 years later "